To SQL or not to SQL

I was on tour last week at @SQL_Relay and gave a talk on CosmosDB at

To SQL, or not to SQL: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The tweets and articles of outraged fanatics, Or to code structured queries against a sea of data, And by opposing end them?

To dice: To slice; No more;

and by a sleep state to say we end The head-ache and the continual knocks that sql is heir to,

’tis a computation devoutly to be wish’d.

To query, to sql; To sql: perchance to dream:

ay, there’s the resultset;

For in that unstructured code what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this SQL foolishness,

Must give us pause: there’s the respect That makes calamity of so long running queries; For who would bear the cast and convert of datetimes, The processors of strings, the proud man’s CLR, The hangs of revised plans, the  3rd normal forms law’s delay, The insolence of office365 and the spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his query make With a bare vm? who would install sql server, To grep and awk  under a linux prompt,

But that the dread of something after SQL, The undiscover’d country from whose bourn No dba returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than try other data stores that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; And thus the native hue of screen resolution Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of management studio, And the enterprise edition of great pith and moment With this regard many a dba turns old, And lose the name of action– SQL Relay you now! The fair SQL Server! in thy master database Be all my sins remember’d.