my new old friends

(personal post)

A few weeks back, I was chatting with a friend about a bad breakup she'd had. She told me how she thought 2005 was going to be her year, and then things just went awry. What she said got me thinking - why do we base our lives so much around people who we don't really know very well. For me, it started with a bad breakup in 2003 (I think it was), followed by another breakup, and things have just gone spiraling out of control. And I've been stuck in this miserable little funk that I so badly want to get out of. Heaven knows I'm not dwelling on those breakups, and I'm sure as hell not thinking of getting back together with my 'exeses'.

I'm in Denver this week, and my best friends (who're kinda married to each other), told me yesterday about how they want to have kids in the next year. K-I-D-S. And that made me realize that everyone around me has grown up, and I haven't, so much. My career's rockin', but I haven't grown personally at all. Here're some other friends who've "grown up" (in random order) :

  • aK moved to London from Sydney early this year. He recently IM'd me and asked me to help him with a dilemma involving two girls, both of who want him. I didn't know if I should be mad at him because I was jealous, or if I should be mad at him for asking me for advice.
  • My ex-roommate got married and moved to North Carolina.
  • My cousin got married, and is moving to London. I'm also pretty sure she's not talking to me because I didn't make it to the wedding.
  • My bestest friend/soulmate is getting married, and is moving to India. Rosh and I have seriously considered getting red-phones, because we're on the phone with each other 24x7. That's gonna change once she moves to India.
  • Matt Bain. Good lord, Matt Bain. Ok, so here's the deal - 8 months ago, Matt is single. 8 months later, Matt is engaged, has a daughter, the cutest dog in the world, and is expecting a baby in a few months. What on earth just happened there?
  • My cousin (this person that I grew up with and who I consider my twin and is 6 days older than I am) had a baby.
  • Su(-licious) just picked up and got engaged. Things just kinda happened man. And now she's all motherly and talking about how the world is a better, safer place. She's in perpetual teletubby land now.
  • Avi, who'd gotten married last year, pinged me on IM yesterday, and told me he had good news and bad news. Bad news - they're pregnant. Good news - he saved some money on his car insurance. Bastard.

I've become a karmic karma do-er. I really am a very nice and sensitive person, and haven't really thought about why I am the way I am for the longest time. And now, I'm doubting myself. I'm thinking, is Karma trying to teach me something? That thing I did back in highscool where I knee'd this one kid, and he swore he'd get back at me (which I'm so unbelievably sorry for man, I wish I could tell you how much), is that coming back to bite me in the ass? And now more so than ever, before I do anything at all, I think about how my actions will affect other humans. Maybe that's a good thing for the universe, but I used to be this instinctive "gunslinger" who once bought a car over lunch. And now I think twice about which mintball I should pick up from the restaurant when I leave. I sit at Chinese restaurants and stare at fortune cookies before I crack them open, hoping they're gonna have something positive to say (the last one read - "Your color - Purple"). Damn you Karma! No wait, sorry, I take that back, you didn't hear that - I love you Karma. Honest. So here I am, stuck in this miserable god-forsaken rut. And I'm pretty sure I'm pretty crazy about this girl (who I know for a fact does not read my blog) and does not know I exist (and is also seriously seeing someone else).

So, happy holidays everyone. Happy holidays.