please, no more pain, no more drama

What is up with the universe?

I’m usually a rather upbeat guy. Fairly happy-go-lucky. It takes a lot of misery, pain or trouble to bring me down. I can’t tell you that I have been happy lately – there’s a lot thats bothering me, and its all bubbled up and soon that little bubble is going to burst and I might end up doing some rather strange things (no, I haven’t bought a gun) (yet). So, I’ve decided to let it all out…

In the past few weeks, I’ve been submerged with work. I wasn’t doing any live MSDN shows, but I’ve been in training and finally made the move in to the city. I’ve had very little time for myself, but I haven’t been needing it. I haven’t watched TV in about 6 weeks (which is really huge for me – I am a sitcom addict). I haven’t had high-speed internet at my new place for a couple of weeks now. But I’ve been keeping myself as busy as possible, because I have been running away from reality. I can’t face this, and why should I?

In early July, we heard about the bombings in London. We were warned about hurricanes in Florida. Torrential rains in Bombay. 14 marines killed in one day in Iraq. Political tension in the Gaza strip. A second wave of bombings in London. And when do I stop?

A couple of days ago, I was chatting with some colleagues about “the future”. We were talking about kids, relationships and anything pertaining to life as you get older. Do people today realize the number of things that can go wrong in your life? Have we stopped to think for one minute the risks and dangers of just living life, everyday, everyday? With all that happening around me, I find it challenging to just live life and to go on everyday. Why do we even consider having relationships with people; especially people who can think? What is up with prenuptial agreements and having separate bank accounts? Where is the trust? What is the point of getting married and making a vow to stay with the “love of your life” for the rest of your freakin’ life if you even have the slightest inkling that something may go wrong in the future?

And why do we think about bringing children in to this world?  Please don’t get me wrong – I have a 2 year old niece who I love to death, and who I care for very dearly. And when I am with her, I feel like a protective parent. I watch her every move and if she so much as bumps her head on a soft pillow, it pains me. But I can’t imagine not sleeping for the rest of my life being concerned about my kids. And if something were to happen, anything (and I don’t want to get too descriptive), how will I be able to continue to live my life and to deal with whatever has happened? I can’t imagine not sleeping for the rest of my life imagining what it’d be like if my wife were to suddenly decide one day “you know what you neurotic freak, I’ve decided I need a new husband”. Why are we taking these chances? Why are we setting ourselves up for failure?

I know I’m starting to sound a little vague... You remember the Morgan Lee story, right? I can’t remember the last time something I’d heard about or seen on TV naturally brought tears to my eyes. But this story just crushed me. And to think that Morgan Lee’s parents could continue to live life, to channel their pain towards a noble effort, and then to have another child - whoa! I couldn’t do it.

I’m putting up a charade. I appear happy and jovial and skip in to work every day, but there’s this pain about the world inside of me. And I don’t know what to do about it…

Bah! Whatever…

PS: Was joking about the gun thing