some deep thinking and some self-healing
(personal, non-work related post)
A break was overdue. I'd been dealing with a lot of different personal things in the last few years, and in typical fashion, I've been running. I just ran away, and delved knee-deep in to things that would keep me busy without having to think very much or interact with human beings. The list of problems just kept growing, while I hadn't really dealt with or 'closed' things that I'd been running away from. Mostly because I felt it was unnecessary.
A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I needed to go on vacation. Because there were just too many balls in the air, and I'm a horrible juggler. And I finally decided to see a doctor about some of these problems I've been facing.
Do you remember watching the Matrix for the first time? The first time I watched it, I was just blown away. I had no expectations from the movie (because, duh, Keanu Reaves was the lead actor). And it just plain rocked the universe. Then, my expectations were just as high if not greater for parts 2 and 3 of the Matrix, and those movies seriously blew. So, my sister told me about this phenomenal cure-all doctor who'd "fix" me. My expectations plummeted (downwards). I wasn't sure what was wrong with me other than old lingering personal issues, failed relationships, and occasional spiralling nerve-wrecking conversations with loved ones. So, I went to see this doctor. And within a few minutes of reading my pulse, and talking to me, he told me what my issues were. And quite frankly he was dead on. Which was freaky.
Most doctors that I see, spend no more than about 30 seconds, which is quite alright, because I'm not sure I want to be in a doctor's office for any longer than that. But something about this doctor, whom I met at his house, and albeit, he didn't "fix" me or offer a cure, but him taking about 15 minutes or so to tell me what a cynical jackass I've been, somehow made me feel better. I walked away feeling good, and wanting to leave the past behind. I knew I'd always been an ass, but it didn't occur to me till recently how it'd affected people around me. It also helped when my sister jumped in and chimed in with the doctor telling me what an ass I've been.
Edit : I'd gone on to list the things that this doctor and I spoke about, but I realized that that would make me sound like a vulnerable, cheesy, moody, sensitive, over-emotional person, so I've decided to cut that out (I think you'd get the gist of what the doctor thought if you were to parse the adjectives). I learned how amazing the human body is, and how even the smallest things can affect your day-to-day lifestyle. But, to sum up, here's what I know I need to do now -
Listen, I'm sorry. I've been a pain to deal with. And I apologize for all the agony. And if you want I'd be happy to follow this up with you 1-1. But this is generic and lame-ish because I owe this to everyone I've interacted with in the recent past. I could just as easily sit here and tell you its not my fault, but in some ways it is. Again, for what its worth, I really am quite sorry. In reality, I know that I'm really a very caring and friendly invidual. And its taking me a lot (yes, R, thanks to the egotistical side of me) to do this, but, in reality its not. This is such a no-brainer. I'm sorry, and I'll be happy to do what it takes to make it up to you. Honest.
I'm going to save the actual details of who I saw, and what we conversed about for another post. But, I needed to get this out of the way. Soon. I don't think I can stop being guilty, but I can start being a non-jackass starting today. So, here we go...